My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
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Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.