gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
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Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
ok like just. call me at this point
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Xylophonist Shredding It
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
That’s classic.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.