My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
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Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.