*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
You Might Also Like
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.