Not even remotely sorry.
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British websites use biscuits.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.