“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
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This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing