a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
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Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Customer is always right
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”