HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
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Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
This made me chuckle.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.