mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
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“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
seems fine
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
This is painfully accurate 😅
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
When I snag the last meatball.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
secret recipe