“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
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your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
me when the borders lift
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.