Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
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[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.