Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
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I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
FINE, I WON’T.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
This guy gets it.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.