Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
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I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud