it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
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So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Bruh PLEASE
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.