my ex boyfriend鈥檚 cousin鈥檚 girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I鈥檝e still got the juice 馃槑
You Might Also Like
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he鈥檚 my new personal trainer now.
why didn鈥檛 scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
I鈥檒l make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don鈥檛 care because you鈥檝e seen it clean once
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They鈥檙e drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I鈥檇 watch. I didn鈥檛 say I鈥檇 intervene.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Narrator: We鈥檝e replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let鈥檚 watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Me: Ok, I鈥檓 ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can鈥檛 run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I鈥檓 not sure that generation was much different tbh
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.