“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
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me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.