LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
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After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
This is a whole mood;
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket