Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
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[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.