i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
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captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Stop.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
mumsnet is amazing
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.