“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
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I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Me irl
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.