[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
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Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…