to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
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looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.