it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
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Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday