5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
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No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
(True)
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Dune (2021)
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire