KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
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What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US