oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
You Might Also Like
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!