Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
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ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
the clam before the storm
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Coffee for people with no kids
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease