I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
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Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.