Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
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the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..