Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
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My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”