I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
You Might Also Like
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.