When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
You Might Also Like
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
british sex workers really pound for pound