While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
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Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about