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Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
This is my pinned tweet
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree