my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
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Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Who called it baking and not making love
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”