Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
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Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.