I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
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publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
honestly, i need both:
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
i think we should see other cousins
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm