[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
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Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell