Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
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Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀