Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
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Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.