Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
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ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”