When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
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[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Brilliant!