Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
You Might Also Like
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive