5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
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“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police