Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
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Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Name another movie that mislead you?
The government even made aliens boring
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.