Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
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Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
no cat here
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.