Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
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A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
life finds a way
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips