road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
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Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.