The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
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This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*