Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
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#math
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.